Bob, the thief of fire
by Mr. Towel
Summary: My second discworld fanfic (COMPLETE)
1. Chapter 1, a life that shouldn't be

I do not own Discworld, I do not own l-space, but I do own bob, the thief of fire, and my interpretation, is that the disc sits on the back of the elephants, and their heads stick out the sides, this may be completely wrong compared with how it should be, but that is how it is when my story is (if this gets on your nerves, try to think of it in terms of quantum, and the trousers of time)  
  
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A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away is an area adjacent to a location, the sort of place where you might find a weird mirror. Currently in that area is an enormous turtle bigger than some worlds, and on the back, are 4 elephants, holding a slowly revolving world, in the same general shape as a disc.  
  
On this disc, stories happen, DEATH stalks the night looking for a decent curry, witches fly through the air on broomsticks, bickering about whether they left the oven on.  
  
At the precise moment this introduction began a man was crouching on one of the elephant's trunks, which was lying on the disc, next to a small boat. If time were resumed, the man would be sliding down the trunk faster than the speed of light (which on the disc is very sluggish, so sometimes arrows get distorted a little as they race against the light particles.)  
  
Mirrors have mystical properties, indeed any reflective surface does, in the Unseen University building in Ankh-Morpork, there is a mirror, called an Omniscope, it can be tuned to any where and any when if you have the proper skills. Say the mirror was tuned to 16 years ago and a little village of Stoat in the Ramtop Mountains. It wasn't a dark and stormy night, it was actually quite light what with it being just after sun down and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. But this sort of night demands darkness and storms, because at the same time as a new life was arriving on the disc, a life was leaving it, and on a night like this, one can never be sure what is going to happen. The lens zooms in, to one little cottage, it looks like a witch's cottage, but it has bedrooms built on as if she had a family, the lens zooms in, through the roof, a babies voice can be heard, screaming, fresh from the womb. The screen zooms forward, round a corner, and you can now see the midwife carrying the baby out of a room, and reverently closing the door on the sleeping mother, she hears the baby choke,  
  
"No, no, you aren't going to do this, not to him!"  
  
I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE  
  
Said a heavy voice from the shadows  
  
"You do"  
  
NO, I ONLY HAVE ONE OPTION, YOU, ON THE OTHER HAND, HAVE 2 OR 3, BUT YOUR MOTHER IS STILL YOUNG, SHE CAN HAVE ANOTHER BABY  
  
"Our father is dead, my mum wants this new baby, it has to survive,"  
  
She pushed her fingers against the baby's chest, trying to give it CPR; it coughed a bit, and then stopped again.  
  
IT IS USELESS, RESISTANCE IS FUTILE,  
  
"Fine, Bob can have my life!"  
  
WHAT?  
  
"You heard me."  
  
ARE YOU SURE  
  
"Yes. My life s over, I will never be a witch, I don't have the power."  
  
WHAT ABOUT YOUR ABILITY TO FOCUS YOUR LUCK?  
  
"Parlour magic."  
  
YOUR SKILL AT CLIMING?  
  
"Please, any one can climb in the Ramtops, look, he won't last much longer, take me now!"  
  
AS YOU WISH  
  
Death stepped out of the shadows, and did a complex business with two life timers; the one on his right shrunk to roughly a fifth of its size and the one on his left grew dramatically. The baby woke up, and colour returned to his cheeks. While the girl suddenly went pale, she carefully lowered the baby into the cot and walked out of the house.  
  
"My sister will wake soon, how long have I got left"  
  
ABOUT 10 SECONDS  
  
The skeleton swung the scythe, and disconnected the body from her soul; the body slumped onto the floor.  
  
[What now? Hey, what happened to my voice? ]  
  
YOU ARE NO LONGER USING AIR TO SPEAK, YOU ARE COMMUNICATING DIRECTLY BY THOUGHT  
  
[Hajubajaja. Hey, why don't I care about my brother anymore? ]  
  
THAT'S ALL DONE WITH GLANDS  
  
[Oh.]  
  
[So, what happens now?]  
  
YOUR BROTHER SHALL LIVE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, HE SHALL HAVE YOUR SKILLS, AND YOU SHALL HAVE THE NEXT BODY HE WAS PLANNED FOR  
  
[Oh, well, bye then.]  
  
The girl vanished  
  
I PREFER: SEE YOU LATER 


	2. Chapter 2, the boy has potential

I do not own Discworld, I do not own l-space, no one owns formulas, but I do own bob, the thief of fire o and I know I've screwed up the timeline a bit, okay so no flamers aboot that please. And thank you to Seravenia Briar Rose, who pointed out that I killed his mother twice, that was an accident, and I meant his father the first time, sorry about that, that mistake has now been corrected  
  
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That baby grew and as he grew he gradually moved in a rough fashion towards Ankh-Morpork when he was three his parents fled a magical fireball and moved to Uberwald where a horde of rampaging vampires killed his father, after fleeing again and arriving in Klatchistan, his brother got killed in a war that afterwards was denied by all concerned parties. After a brief stop in Betrek, him and his mother moved to Omnia and had to flee again when a civil war killed his mother  
  
When he arrived at Ankh-Morpork he was hungry and found a restaurant called Harga's House of ribs, having no money with him, he edged his way past 2 dogs eating from the bin, one was a moth eaten terrier with moldy teeth, and the other was an enormous dog with sleek golden fur, and snuck into the kitchens. He was just helping himself to a loaf of bread, when an extremely thin man, wearing a long black robe spotted him, he ran for the door but the thin man was too fast, and picked him up by the scruff of his neck, and when he spoke it sounded like coffin lids crashing together,  
  
AH, I REMEMBER YOU. YOU'RE FROM THE RAMTOPS AREN'T YOU?  
  
"Originally sir."  
  
WHERE IS YOUR FAMILY, OH YES, I TOOK CARE OF THEM MYSELF, WHERE ARE YOU staying boy?"  
  
"Um, nowhere, sir."  
  
"A young lad like you needs to stay somewhere," the dark figure poked his head through a hole in the wall, "I'm taking my break now Sham"  
  
"Right you are Mr. Darth."  
  
Darth carried the boy to the thieves guild and knocked on the back door,  
  
"I wish, *cough, cough* I WISH TO LEAVE THIS BOY HERE, TO BECOME ONE OF THE THIEVES GUILD, AND IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO HIM, I WILL HOLD YOU respon- RESPONSIBLE!!  
  
That tone, was not a threat, it was a statement of how things were going to happen. Then the thieves guild took in the boy as another orphan, they taught him to steal, and he was good, he was one of the best thieves the guild would have, and his name from then on, was Bob Ludd.  
  
These are the chronicles of that boy  
  
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Dun, dun, dunnnnnnnn what is going to happen next? I know it's a short chapter but it's better than the original, and remember, the first person to guess what books r mentioned in each chapter wins a special prize (different prize/chapter) 


	3. Chapter 3, a daring plan

I do not own Discworld, I do not own l-space, no one owns formulas, but I do own bob, the thief of fire and I know I've screwed up the timeline a bit, okay so no flamers about that please.  
  
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15 years later a boy is being chased by the city watch, he is a full member of the thieves guild having graduated with honors from the training program early. This time though, being a member of the guild didn't help, if anything his plight was made worse, for he had stolen the unstealable.  
  
Everybody knows that the assassins guild has a list of people who they aren't allowed to kill, the patrician being the prime example. Well the thieves guild has a list of items it can't steal, the punishment for any thief being caught to have stolen one of these items, was an immediate, permanent trip to the mime pits.  
  
He ran down the alley way, trying one of the techniques his old friend had taught him, what was his name? Bob couldn't remember the boys name any longer, it was like he was being erased from everywhere. The wolf followed him round another corner, the rest of the watch had disappeared around treacle mine road,  
he'd left a couple of them staring at an old charred building. He was  
running out of breath now, he turned another corner, no time for  
climbing the wall, the wolf would get him before he got further than a meter. Another corner, yes, the river, he saw a rope leading down the hill to the opposite bank. Rather than risk sinking in the river, he ran as fast as he could, then jumped and landed on the cable, using his almost supernatural balance that made him the best edifecer in the city, he slid along it, arms outstretched.  
  
The wolf, he could see a watch badge on its collar screeched to a halt, Bob  
paused for breath and saw that the wolf was panting too, apart from  
the street grime that had accumulated over the run round the city, it  
was realy a beautiful bitch. He and the wolf got their breath back,  
then he watched it look around, they were not far from a bridge, so he  
sprinted off, down an alley into the shades.  
  
Suddenly he stopped, gagging, a group of beggars was sitting on the side of the street, and there was an awful stench coming from one of them, another had a duck on his head, which dipped its head down every few minutes to take a bite of the mans sandwich made of what appeared to be an old boot shoved between two pieces of coat.  
  
He knew he had gained some time, and started climbing up the wall, now he was safe, with the brickwork under his fingers he was at home, nothing could catch him now, he looked behind and saw the wolf collapse from the terrible smell, then he disappeared onto the roof beginning a leisurely jog to his favorite spot next to old tom in the Unseen University grounds.  
  
He sat down behind the bell, he'd arrived minutes after noon, and Old tom never chimes apart from noon and midnight. He pulled his knapsack off his back and pulled out a matt black case, it wasnt very big and he wondered whysomeone had put it on the list of unstealables. He'd heard about the case from his fellow classmates andbeen interested in how anything could be considered imposible to steal, before it had been put on the list, nobody had tried, the only people of the night who visited that house where watchmen, and occasionally assasins, oh, and the odd cheif of guild for some party or another.  
  
He'd waited till sunrise, the magical hour when watchmen aren't about, the streets are deserted with the whole city changing shifts, the thieves going to bed and the merchants getting up. He snuck up towards the house on the roof tops, having heard of many assasins stopped this way, he climbed down to the ground, and just as he started moving he saw the glisten of metal in the long grass. He waited till the various clocks and cockrels in the city were chiming and calling the hour, and threw a hand ful of sticks across the ground, 10 bear traps snatched them out of the air. He made his way over to the wall of the house and begun a careful climb, he passed a window where a baby was being fed by his mother, and a room full of dragons till he came to the master bedroom. The man was just going to bed after putting the case on his bedside table. Bob did not know how long he waited, he didn't trust the man, his grace the duke of Ankh, sir Samuel Vimes himself was a notoriously light sleeper, having disposed of countless assasins in the past. There was only one way to do this, and of course, it was the hardest one. He waited till he heard a pair of footsteps walk past the room, then he flipped over the windowsill and landed softly on to the carpet. He reached for the case and heard a groan as the commander of the city watch rolled over in his sleep. Bob was not one to tempt fate, he sstreched out his senses as far as he could muster, pulling up all his reserves of luck, he grabbed the case, and dived out the window.  
  
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dun dun dun... cliff hanger what happened next? review to find out (and nobody's won that competition yet) 


	4. Chapter 4, The Case

I do not own Discworld, I do not own l-space, but I do own bob, the thief of fire and I know I've screwed up the timeline a bit, okay so no flamers about that please.  
  
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*He dived headlong out the window, and grabbing hold of a tree brunch swung himself around and flipped onto the roof behind him, he listened intently, he could here no noise, but better safe than sorry. He reached for his knapsack, and pulled out a glass vial and a little tin with a paintbrush in, he pulled the paintbrush out of the tin and started painting his boots and armpits, and the rest of the normally smelly parts on a boy. Now he stank, inside the tin was essence of the river ankh, he'd intercepted a shipment that was on its way to some rich merchant who'd sent for the stuff. Next, he did up his knapsack, and feeling sorry for the man in the room below, threw the glass bottle through the open window, and legged it, he slipped down off the roof, down the side of the building, onto the ground below, where he had climbed from, he heard the duke from his room; "URGH, what the hell? THIEF!!!!" Bob ran as fast as he could, spilling essence of ankh as he ran, obscuring his tracks from the rumored werewolf, he ran down the street, through an alley, into another street, he saw a watchman yell: "Hey you, stop!" Then the watchwoman he was with started chasing after him, he dodged down an alley, glanced behind him, and saw an enormous dog chasing him, the woman must of slowed down. He turned around again and put on an extra sprint, he was glad his knapsack was tied tightly to his back, because otherwise it would have slowed him down so much, the wolf wasn't gaining, but he wasn't losing it either. 'this must be the fabled werewolf' he thought, and lobbed the remaining can of Ankh essence at it, it yelped and swerved to avoid it, Bob carried on running towards the river.*  
  
Bob opened the case, the contents didn't look much, a sick with a knob on the end, a silver cigarette case, and a razor in a pool of water, held in the never spilling magical water, the blade always pointed hubwards.  
  
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Samuel Vimes was fully awake by now, he'd heard glass smash, then he'd woken up to the smell of lying face down in the river ankh, (yes, he still remembered waking up after exiting the drum horizontally) he saw someone running past the bear traps he'd hidden in the grass, and yelled "stop thief." He hadn't even noticed what was missing, he ran out of the room, still in his nightclothes, it was only, an hour later when the interchangeable Emmas were fishing his stuff out of the bedroom to be washed that he noticed It was gone. His case, the one with the cigarette case from Sybil, His razor, and his truncheon of office. The thief must have been extremely skilled to take it. He got dressed, hadn't the patrician got the case and its contents put on the list of unstealables? He put his sword in his belt and walked down to the watch house, who ever it was sergeant Angua would have caught him, he arrived at the watch house to see Angua wrapped up in a blanket with her nose in a bowl of flowers, "Sorry sir, he ran me into Foul Old Ron, he was a hell of a runner though." She sneezed to try and get the terrible smell out of her nose. "Are you okay sergeant?" "I'm sorry sir, gonna have to take the rest of today off, I just came in to tell you." She picked up the bowl and walked to the duty roster where she signed off. Vimes heard the sound of glass tinkling and ran up to his office, the window had a small hole next to the latch, and the small disc was lying smashed on the floor. Every where was the smell of the ankh again, and there, in the center of the room, in the middle of his desk sat............. The Case.  
  
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I'll put in the street names when I find my copy of the streets of Ankh- Morpok review to find out (and nobody's won that competition yet (or even tried)) sorry, another short chapter, but I had to leave that hanging there, more soon. 


	5. Chapter 5, Evidence

I do not own Discworld, I do not own l-space, I do not own the balls song (samvimes does ), but I do own bob, the thief of fire and I know I've screwed up the timeline a bit, okay so no flamers about that please.  
  
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Back at the thieves guild:  
  
"Phew, thanks for covering for me, Nick" said Bob from the window of the dormitory.  
  
"Cover for you, huh, every one still thinks your in bed." Said his friend from the chair in the corner of the room.  
  
"So, what did you get?"  
  
"Not much really, just, The Case!"  
  
"What, but that's impossible to steal, even, erm, thingy couldn't get that, that man Vimes has a nasty set of traps round the place."  
  
Bob hopped down from the windowsill, his point of entrance, "I still got it."  
  
"Cool, lets see it"  
  
"Don't have it, left it on his desk back at the yard."  
  
"Oh, so you don't have it then?"  
  
"Not any more."  
  
"Like you ever had it."  
  
"Fine don't believe me, I was asleep here the whole time right?"  
  
"Yeah sure, what was in it then?"  
  
Bob hesitate here, not sure as whether to say, but pushed on by teenage bravado he said:  
  
"Oh, not much really, couldn't see what all the fuss is about."  
  
"Yeah, more like nothing, and no case either!"  
  
"Just wait till I get in the newspaper, oh and inside," he said as he jumped onto his bed, "was his silver cigarette case, his razor, oh and a big stick with a knob on the end."  
  
"Ha, so that's where he keeps it, lets go for a drink."  
  
"Yeah sure, why not?"  
  
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"Okay carrot, I want who done it, how they done it, and why they done it," said Vimes as he paced to and fro, he paused, pulled out a cigar and lit it.  
  
"But no matter what, don't tell the patrician, we want this man as one of our own."  
  
"Yes sir, but I didn't even see what he looked like, well apart from a blur."  
  
"What about Angua?"  
  
"She only saw him from behind sir, and he'd masked his smell with that essence of ankh stuff the merchants order out."  
  
"Pretty pricey though isn't it?"  
  
"Well, yes and no sir."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
" It is normally expensive, but a wagonload to Sto Lat arrived with a case to few, the merchant reported it, but thought the delivery company, or the one selling the stuff was ripping him off. Then, when the wagon got back here, we saw a thieves guild receipt underneath the cart, held with one of these new 'twin forked metal pointy thing used to clip paper together."  
  
"What about the glove fibers that got caught on the tree?"  
  
"Igor and Cheri did as many tests on as they could but only found out that they'd been near Dibbler's sausages, and that they were made of ramtop wool, and there's a dwarf working with dibbler now, who sells these, so no go there"  
  
A dwarf wearing high heels ran into the corridor,  
  
"Mister Vimes, I think you better look at this."  
  
The commander and the captain followed Cherie Littlebottom down the stairs into the forensics department of Pseudopolis yard.  
  
"Me and Igor found this new type of evidence, he's so excited he's forgetting to lisp!"  
  
Vimes sat down on the bench, "so what's all this about Igor?"  
  
"Thir, Cherie and I have come up with a new way off identifying criminals, put your finger on this ink pad sir"  
  
Vimes doubtfully pressed his finger onto the inkpad, "Now onto this piece of paper pleathe."  
  
Vimes pressed his finger onto the paper, then he wiped off the ink on a rag Cherie handed him.  
  
"Would you mind explaining to me, what's going on?"  
  
"It'th thimple thir, etherey person has a unique set of marks on his fingerth, I'm calling them finger markth."  
  
"So we stop someone at a crime scene and take their finger marks?" said the confused commander.  
  
"We don't need to sir, just hand me your badge."  
  
Vimes passed his badge to Igor, who began dabbing a fine white powder onto it.  
  
"Don't worry thir, brutheth off easily. Ah here we go."  
  
He showed Vimes the badge next to the paper on which his inky finger mark lay.  
  
"It's identical."  
  
"Exactly thir."  
  
"But he was wearing gloves."  
  
"Ah yes sir , but if you'll pass me your case," said the dwarf, "Just as I thought, he took his gloves off to look in the case, now we just have to take finger marks of every body who's had touched the case recently, then the one that's left over is the thief."  
  
"Brilliant." said the commander. ____________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________  
  
DUN DUN DUN, will Bob be caught? Did he take his gloves off to open the case? Vote 2 find out (and I mite just randomly choose any way, so wahay) 


	6. Chapter 6, A new verse

I do not own Discworld, I do not own l-space, but I do own bob, the thief of fire and I know I've screwed up the timeline a bit, okay so no flamers about that please.  
  
First prize for my competition goes to zeal for at least trying, actually mort wasn't the only book to be included in chappie 2, if you want 2 find out more you better have a better look, cause my main prize isn't going to just n e 1  
  
Well done Zela, here is your prize: a certificate to print out yourself  
  
I zela have just won the award for trying to win the competition on towlieman's fanfic  
  
If you win you shall get a better prize, but YOU NEED TO TRY, and when ever someone gets one right, I shall put them on the next chapter, and that book shall be void, and the first person to guess the last book, wins a prize, though if you get them all at the same time, you get the prize (o and you have to mention how it relates to the book, so no random guesses), any way, on with the story  
  
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"Commander, we have just finished eliminating most of the fingerprints on the case, and we've found a pair of gloves up at old tom with finger marks on that are on your case as well"  
  
"Good work Cherie, now we just need to identify who this thief is, get a squad together and take finger marks from all the thieves guild and if someone gets arrested take their finger marks, soon we'll have the entire city in our files."  
  
"Yes sir!"  
  
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Outside the mended drum  
  
"WEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL A wizards staff has a knob on the end, knob on the end knob on the end, its big and its round, and it ways 3 to a pou-nd!!!!"  
  
A wolf howled at the extremely bad singing  
  
"Shhhh, shhh, shhh, hey Bob, I have a new verse."  
  
"Sing it then."  
  
"NOOOOOTTTTTTT only wizards have knobs on staffs, knobs on staffs, knobs on staffs, another person has a knob on his staff, and he keeps it in a case, its small, and its black, and it fits in a sack, I feel sorry for misses Vimes!!! HEY!!!"  
  
Bob started laughing so hard he collapsed onto the floor, and didn't hear the watchmen come round the corner.  
  
"So, what do you two know about Mr. Vimes' case then?"  
  
This sobered Bob up in the blink of an eye (not great A'tuin's because this would take about a week), he grabbed Nick's arm and legged it, into the stony features of sergeant Detritus.  
  
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DUN DUN DUN, again a cliffhanger, sorry for the short chappie the next 1 will be longer 


	7. Chapter 7, A bit of romance, and a bit o...

I do not own Discworld, I do not own l-space, but I do own bob, the thief of fire and I know I've screwed up the timeline a bit, okay so no flamers about that please.  
  
O and writing in between #s are thoughts, doesn't take a genius to work out whose.  
  
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"Commander, we have 2 drunk men in the cells, one ran into detritus and is currently unconscious, while the other was singing something about your case."  
  
"Get Detritus and the other arresting officer down to the interrogation cell, you know, the one with the chains on the walls."  
  
"Yes sir! What do I do with the other prisoner sir?"  
  
"Wait till he's woken up, then take his finger marks and toss him into the street."  
  
"Yes sir."  
  
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"If you would so kindly press your finger down on this piece of paper."  
  
A blonde sergeant had smeared ink onto his fingers, now she was guiding them into boxes on a piece of paper.  
  
"Huh, what's going on? Where am I? What day is it?"  
  
"Shh, you took quite a blow to the head, you ran into sergeant Detritus, I'm amazed you're awake this early, it's Monday, you've been here overnight."  
  
"Huh, doctors?"  
  
"No, the watch house."  
  
Bob sat bolt upright at this point,  
  
"Watch house, what are you doing? Why am I here?"  
  
There seemed to be something familiar about the sergeant, but he couldn't place it, she had long blonde hair, and a sexy but dangerous grin that seemed to say, get to know me, I'm not that big a bitch. As he stared to her he thought to himself, maybe, just maybe there's a chance. He began to concentrate; he was starting to feel lucky.  
  
_____________________________(Perspective shift)  
  
Angua had just got on duty and she was happy, they'd caught the basterd who'd shoved her nose into that stuff, and maybe she could make him pay a little before Vimes took him off to what ever fate he had in store for him. Strange, the guy's friend was starting to look slightly different.  
  
"Don't worry, Bob, just a new procedure, and I."  
  
She corrected herself:  
  
"WE wanted to make sure you were alright after that bang with the sergeant."  
  
"How did you know my name?"  
  
He looked so worried, so puzzled so... cute, wait what was she thinking, this wasn't her, she shook her head slightly and started to feela bit better.  
  
____________________________  
  
Her long blonde hair rippled as she shook her head.  
  
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"Well you do carry a thieves guild membership."  
  
"Oh yeah."  
  
"All done."  
  
She pulled the piece of paper away  
  
"There, simple, now mister Vimes gave orders to throw you out, but I'm kinda busy so do you think you could take care of that yourself?"  
  
He looked so young, about 16, and surprisingly innocent for a youth in Ankh- Morpork.  
  
"Yeah I can go, I er think I know the way, erm, do you mind telling me your name  
  
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# Oh god I actually said erm #  
  
She laughed  
  
# This is so embarrassing. #  
  
"Yeah, it's Angua, sergeant Angua"  
  
"Thanks, bye, he turned and legged it, he stopped concentrating when he got out the door.  
  
# Hopefully I wasn't too suspicious. #  
  
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She watched him go out the door.  
  
# Teenagers, all the same, a little ripple of the hair and they're not sure whether I'll kiss or bite. #  
  
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The trolls dropped him in the chair, was there blood on the table, why were chains on the walls, they walked out locking the door behind them, they looked more scared than anything else, then a single match flared in the corner and he heard the sound of a cigar being puffed to life He looked around, it was a dark room, chains lined the wall, it was empty, apart from him, the chair, and the man in the corner, the only light came from the cigar, and a small stream coming through a tiny slit window.  
  
*********************************************** (A.N I could have left you hanging here, aren't I generous) *********************************************** The man spoke up.  
  
"So, you're quite the star aren't you?"  
  
"Erm sir, I don't know."  
  
The blow came out of nowhere, the chair fell over and he slid across the floor.  
  
"Cut the bull crap lady, I know who you are and what you did."  
  
Nick caught the glimpse of a badge on the mans chest. There was a chance he could escape with no more injuries.  
  
"You're a copper aren't you?"  
  
Nick stood up and started circling with the man.  
  
"Oh so the penny drops."  
  
"Well here's me thinking that a copper's not aloud to hit prisoners."  
  
This time it was an Elbow.  
  
"That's very true, but you see, you're not even a prisoner."  
  
There was something eerie about the man's voice, it had no malice in at all, he just sounded like he was doing a job, a rather unpleasant one, but slightly enjoyable.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Prisoners have rights!!"  
  
"So I'm lower than a prisoner."  
  
"Stop playing this game Mr. Mountain."  
  
He was expecting it this time; he dodged under the blow and tripped his opponent.  
  
"Ooof! Normally you would go straight in the mime dungeon. But I'm not a nice guy, and I'm an opportunist."  
  
He swung his feet round flipping the chair into Nick's face as he got up.  
  
"OW!!"  
  
"Forget the marquis of fantailer boy, especially against me. I'm the anti- marquis. Now as I was saying, confess, tell me what you did and how you did it, and you might see daylight again.  
  
"I don't know what I'm here for!!!!"  
  
"MY CASE BOY!!!!"  
  
Vimes roared as he pinned the boy against the wall.  
  
"Don't play silly buggers with me and expect to come out alive, now, either you can confess, now!!! Or we can prove you did it, see those black marks on your fingers."  
  
Nick didn't dare speak or look down, he just nodded slightly.  
  
"Well if you did it, then they prove you did, and if you didn't then you're going to tell me bloody well who did!"  
  
With his free hand he attached the manacles on the walls to Nick's arms, then he pulled his arm off the boys neck and chained his feet as well.  
  
"I'm going now, you're past a confession, and if you truly didn't do it, I'll know, and you can give me a name then, okay?"  
  
He asked as he patted the shocked boy on the cheek.  
  
Vimes banged three times on the piece of wood next to the door, then came the sound of a rock being levered away. Then after a few seconds of someone fumbling with a lock, the door opened. Vimes strolled out as the door slammed behind him.  
  
________________________________________________________________________  
  
"So was it him?"  
  
The commander asked the dwarf.  
  
"It was the one we released sir." Said Cherie, "I compared the fingerprints of the one in the cell, and they didn't match any on the case. So I tried the boy who came with him, on a hunch, and I was correct."  
  
"Okay, get me all the men we can, we're going to the thieves guild."  
  
"Yes sir. Oh, sir, have you informed the Patrician about your case?"  
  
"What about my case sergeant, we're going to talk to a Mr. Bob Bobson about the disappearance of a man of the same name, I can't remember anything about any case at all, and neither can any one else, I wont take watchmen with bad memories in my force, or stupid ones neither."  
  
"What about Nick Mountain?"  
  
"Who, never heard of him, oh yes he one 100 dollars off me in a game of poker, didn't he?"  
  
"Oh, yes sir."  
  
"No wait, it was 1000 wasn't it, my memory must be going."  
  
"Oh yes, I'll escort him back to the thieves guild when you're back."  
  
Cherie Littlebottom knew when to be discreet. The Patrician wouldn't care much, but he might ruin the duke's plans.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________  
  
DUN DUN DUN, again a cliffhanger. Will Bob escape for a second time, what is Commander Vimes' plan, what relevance does this have to the beginning of the story, and will I update before next Christmas find out next time, same author, same story, different date.  
  
Finally a longish chapter. Sorry if Angua seems OOC, but she's being influenced by Bob's magic power thingy (I don't want to give to much away if you haven't worked it out for yourself yet) 


	8. Chapter 8, Whats chef doing on the discw...

I do not own Discworld, I do not own l-space, but I do own bob, the thief of fire and I know I've screwed up the timeline a bit, okay so no flamers about that please.  
  
O and writing in between #s are thoughts, doesn't take a genius to work out whose.  
  
**************************************************************************** ***********************************************  
  
(The thieves' guild)  
  
Bob ran down the corridor;  
  
"Where's Nick?"  
  
"Calm down boyo."  
  
Oliver Huts the range master stopped Bob in the corridor.  
  
"Here let me play you a little song on my guitar."  
  
He didn't notice Bob creeping away as he whipped out his guitar.  
  
(guitar) $% Nah Nah, duh nuoooowwww, buh da dum, ba loiw da doo do doo do doo do bwaow %$  
  
"There are timeeesssss."  
  
$% bah badahhhhh%$  
  
"When your friend gets taken by the watch and tor^or^or-tured and. hey where did he go?"  
  
*************************************************** (Meanwhile at the watch house)  
  
"Okay men."  
  
*Ahem."  
  
"And Dwarves."  
  
"Grrrrr" (this is not Angua, it is in fact the sound of a feminist dwarf lifting up her axe)  
  
"And women."  
  
"THUNK"  
  
A club through past his here  
  
"And. I'll start again"  
  
The commander walked out the door then came in again.  
  
"Okay watchmen, here's what we do, everybody go round the front and make a big fuss about looking for this Bob Bobson, say he's been reported missing or something, then me Angua and Carrot, will sneak round the back and arrest him as he sneaks out. Got it?"  
  
(Everybody) "YEAH"  
  
"Let's go and get him!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
***************************************************  
  
(The thieves' guild)  
  
"Hello, my name is sergeant Detritus, and I'm looking for someone called"  
  
Here the troll consulted a clipboard.  
  
"Um, errrrrrrrr.."  
  
A small invisible see through dwarf standing next to him, looked at the clipboard and whispered in his ear.  
  
"Bob Bobson"  
  
"And er what would this matter be pertaining to sergeant?"  
  
A gnome under the desk, which the clerk sat at, started to sneak towards a small hole in the wall.  
  
"The business we are pertaining to sir, "  
  
Said a small creature next to the troll.  
  
"Is a distraction, huwhile the commander harrests a felonious thief by the name of um, o thingumy."  
  
The gnome legged it.  
  
***************************************************  
  
(The thieves' guild dormitory)  
  
"Bob, Bob, quick, you must go!!"  
  
"What is it Scossi? Careful about the amount of exclamation marks."  
  
"Quick, watchmen trying to arrest you!!!! AND I DON'T GIVE A RATS DROPPING ABOUT THE AMMOUNT OF EXCLAMATION MARKS I USE! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Bob ran to the window.  
  
"No, not that way, the watchman said he was a distaction, it's only dumb ass Detritus and Nobby out the front."  
  
Bob hesitated.  
  
"You sure?"  
  
"Of course I'm sure, now skeddadle."  
  
Bob picked up the cage containing his pet hamster and sauntered through the door, past the two watchman, and out onto the street, this was where he noticed something was wrong......  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________  
  
DUN DUN DUN,  
  
(Short I know, but to the point, besides to updates in as many days, wow!)  
  
Sorry guys, I let Boo write this one 


	9. Chapter 9, Shameless Matrix Parody

I do not own Discworld, I do not own l-space, but I do own bob, the thief of fire and I know I've screwed up the timeline a bit, okay so no flamers about that please.  
  
O and writing in between #s are thoughts, doesn't take a genius to work out whose.  
  
Guess the invisible dwarf from the last chapter and u win a prize!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
(I'm really over chaptering this week, oh well I guess the cliff hanger wont last that long after all)  
  
**************************************************************************** ***********************************************  
  
"STOP WHERE YOU ARE!!"  
  
A watchman leaned over the top of an upturned cart and shouted through a make-your -voice-louder device.  
  
"Do not move an inch or we will shoot!"  
  
Bob heard a thousand clicks as watchmen all over the street and behind upturned carts, and lying prone on rooftops released the safety catches for their crossbows,. The doors slammed shut behind him. Bob immediately assessed the situation. Every alley was blocked, trolls in the small ones, carts in the larger ones. Watchmen everywhere, even in his domain, the rooftops. He started to back away until he was under the arch at the front of the guild house.  
  
"Now, I think you might have mistaken me for someone else."  
  
He began gathering his luck.  
  
"I haven't done anything illegal, ever. And...." 'Click'  
  
It wasn't even a large sound, but it sent chills down his spine. Maybe it was something to do with the fact that in the building behind him, had been a very large troll, a very large troll, with a very large crossbow, one that had a very large bolt, well either that or a potential fireball.  
  
"Um, okay, so I'm going to get down on the floor now."  
  
He crouched down, and wrapped all the luck he could gather round him, a storm sprung to life.  
  
#Wow, I can feel the luck surging through me, it's more than I've ever gathered before.#  
  
He jumped, and everything slowed into treacle, a boy zoomed through the hail of arrows that came towards where he had been, narrowly missing the massive siege bolt fired by the troll Detritus, a lightning bolt hit the roof of a building in the distance. And Bob felt the world slow to a halt.  
  
Tic-  
  
The perspective revolves around the scene, most of the watchman in the city had just launched a crossbow bolt towards the door, Bob was hovering in mid air, his feet a centimeter from the siege bolt sergeant Detritus had just launched into the building opposite, his hands reaching up  
  
-k tock  
  
The world started back up again, and Bob grabbed hold of the roof support with his hands, he swung over the top, and landed kin the small recess between the ceiling and the roof.  
  
He sprinted for the small gap in between the walls which led down to the sewers, he'd pay for this later he knew, but him and Boo where leaving Ankh- Morpork, now that the watch was after him, he reached the gap, heard a sound, turned around, and.  
  
"Thud"  
  
A cosh hit him on the back of the head as Commander Vimes stepped out of the shadows.  
  
"You're mine now, Mr. Bobson."  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________  
  
DUN DUN DUN,  
  
(Short I know, but to the point, besides 3 updates in 2 days, wow!)  
  
And I'm sorry for the shameless Matrix parody, but if you've read the right book, you may win a prize. 


	10. Chapter 10, The showdown

Wow im updating well quickly, oh well, more story for you guys

*********************************************************************

Bob looked around the cell, he was manacled to the wall, a chair and a table sat in front of him, to one side a couple of sticks lay propped against the wall, and on the other side, 2 swords, and directly in front of him was, The Commander, he was wearing no armour, and had a sweat band on each wrist.

"So, you finally bothered to rejoin us."

Said Vimes, unchaining his arms.

"You've been out a couple of days."

He helped him to the chair

# That's what you get for using up your luck, oh well, I might need it soon, so I've got a clean slate. #

Bob sat down in the chair

"Cigar?"

"Um, no thanks, I prefer something with a little more kick to it."

He almost anticipated the shot enough to dodge off the chair, but almost never won a football match.

"Urgh"

Vimes had kicked him off the chair, and into the sticks, which fell on top of him.

"That enough kick for you?"

"Jeez duke,"

Bob got up using one of the sticks.

"I gave it back."

"Gave what back?  Nothing was stolen, yeah I smashed some glass the other day, but watcha gunna do?"

"If I didn't steal anything, then why am I here?"

Vimes aimed a fist, but this time Bob was ready, he deflected the punch with the end of the quarterstaff.

"Oh, getting faster boy, I like it."

He grabbed the other staff of the floor.

"Now you have two options, _boy_."

Bob rankled at that, and they begun circling each other.

"I can either beat you into a bloody pulp and send you to the mime pits for the rest of your, soon-to-be, miserable life."

The commander attacked with the staff, and Bob, deflected, countered and blocked.

"And the other option, Sam?"

Bob struck back, but was countered blocked and dodged, more expertly than he had done.

"The other option,"

Vimes cracked his neck, 

"Mr. Bobson.  Is that you defeat me, or manage to avoid being pulped, and you join the city watch, as a new corporal, you'd have earnt it, however, you won't be allowed to quit, ever."

They exchanged blows, while Bob thought for a second.

"So, I either rot to hell in the Mime pits, or beat the hell, out of an innocent old man, and be condemned to join him in his fate?"

The duke countered a sweeping blow, by leaning backwards and kicking Bob in the testicles, before landing on his back.

#Matrix rip off alert#

"That's pretty much it, apart from the innocent part, anyway."

Bob fell to the floor and dropped his staff, which rolled across the floor, he grunted, and sat trying to heal his balls with his small magics.

Not waiting for him to get up, Vimes leapt to his feet, grabbed his staff and started to swing it at Bobs stomach,  Bob reached out a hand and glared angrily at the staff at the other side of the room, it stayed still for a second, then flew into his hand out of sheer embarrassment, while he swung it up to block the commanders crippling attack

*Cough* Star Wars rip*Cough*

"Bloody hell fire!!!"

 Vimes whispered as Bob flipped onto his feet then pushed him back with a variety of swings, kicks and jabs to the head,  then as he approached again, Bob planted his staff in the floor, leaned on it, and ran up the wall, then kicked Vimes in the chest.

The man fell backwards onto the table, dropping his staff, which Bob snatched out of mid air.

"Not so cocky now, _sir._"

This stung Vimes, in ways that you couldn't imagine, Bob tossed him his staff, and jumped over Bobs low sweep.

_Call it, and it shall come._

Vimes let out the 'beast', Bob paled back under the sheer fury of the blows, which Samuel Vimes, unleashed upon him.  He was no longer fighting, His Grace, the Honourable, Commander, Sir Samuel Vimes, Duke of Ankh.  No, this was Sergeant Sam Vimes!  Before his whisky soaked days had dragged him to the very core of alcoholism, Vimes had been the best sergeant to grace the streets of Ankh-Morpork, A street fighter, well trained in weaponry, thanks to a ruthless task master, himself, before the _guilds, _before the policing had been done by the thieves themselves, sergeant Vimes had ruled the streets, Sergeant Vimes had sent more men to the Tanty, than any other watch officer, since stone face Vimes himself. Sergeant Vimes had not been seen by the man himself since _Carcer._

Bob was no longer fighting the ambassadorial, organiser of 500 hundred men, he was fighting the sole of the street, and he was _pissed off!_

Bob shoved him back, and then leapt up the wall for his life.  As Mister Vimes smashed his staff in half, he scampered up the wall, until he reached the ceiling.

"You can not hide up there forever Mr. Bobson, you are a good fighter, but if you do not come down soon, I shall get very angry, then I shall call sergeant Detritus to come and finish the lesson I started, with the piecemaker.  One hundred arrows, fired from a single siege crossbow, do you have any idea how much damage it will do to the stone roof, not to mention you.  This destroys buildings and leaves blades of grass standing."

Bob was biding his time as he watched the man below pace about.  Then he dropped, and landed on Vimes' shoulders, he grabbed the staff from the surprised man, leaned back as far as he could go, and then flipped him over his head, into the remains of the table.

He got the staff ready, while Vimes calmly picked himself up, dusted himself off, walked over to the sword rack, and pulled out one.

"Okay, Mr. Bobson, we fight till first blood form the torso."

The two circled, neither taking the eyes off the other.  Bob didn't dare change weapons, this was it, this was where his life branched, he shook of a vision of trousers and concentrated on his opponent, he seemed somehow rejuvenated.  Bob started spinning his staff, calling up some luck from 2 seconds before, and soon, the ends were glowing red from the wind resistance.  He approached Vimes, his staff glowing with friction.

There are moments like these when universes collide.

Bob was breathing heavily with the exertion, and attacked Vimes, with the spinning staff, Sam started blocking the blows, his sword starting to glow blue, at the faster speeds he was having to move it at, Bob spun, and picked up the other sword with his free hand, the battle was speeding up, watchmen watching from the single window starting whispering excitedly, Vimes smashed the staff in half with his sword, and Bob abandoned it.  His sword was glowing red now, with every clash of swords, sparks flew off in every direction.

Vimes almost hit Bob, missing his hand by an inch, and out of the corner of their eyes, a dark figure GREWe out of the shadows with a blue glowing sword, and a red one, one in each hand. 

            ARE YOU GETTING THIS? He said to the rat next to him, IT PAYS TO TAKE AN INTEREST

They locked swords, the glow not fading a jot.

"Duke?"

"What boy?"

"I AM YOUR CORPORAL!!"

"What? No?"

Everything went into slow motion

Bob took his lower hand off the sword, and grabbed a piece of wood from his belt, he'd taken it from the broken staff earlier, and scratched Vimes across his chest with it, a red trail followed the stake along the commander's chest, a single drop of blood welled up along the line, and dropped, to the floor, where it splashed against the sand covered stone slabs.

The shadowy figure disappeared, and the door to the cell opened.  The two looked at each other for a second then through their swords into the walls behind them, where the blades shattered, and the handles fell down, to the floor, the glow… gone.

***************************************************************************************************************************

I'm sorry I had to do such a star wars rip off, any way, I am sorry to say, that's the end of this fic, but soon I shall start a sequel, maybe even do a trilogy, explaining what leads to how we find Bob at the start of this.  I am proud to say I enjoyed writing it, and I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did while I wrote it, thanks to all my reviewers.  And though it doesn't say it, the Rocky Christmas, my Artemis Fowl fic, WILL cross over with  Discworld, and commander Vimes WILL be in it.

This is now my longest fic. Period. In chapters, and words.  So, enjoy my next fic, see u, bye


End file.
